What He Really Means To Me
by K-Shandra
Summary: I rarely think back to the time in Somalia. This being one of the few times I allow it, as it links up with Tony and what he has come to mean to me…


Title: What He Really Means To Me.

Genre: NCIS

Disclaimer: You really thought they're mine? I didn't think so. Minor innocent infringement, but I'll return the characters when done, unharmed. No money is made from this.

Timeline: After Somalia, Ziva.

Spoilers: None really.

Rating: T+ at most. (If you know the meaning of some of the words that is. See the end)

Characters: Ziva (P.O.V. FIRST PERSON).

A/N: This was triggered when I re-watched the episode the episode Aliyah. In which Ziva said to Ducky_; "Rituals are only for those who need them."_ The Jewish religion has many rituals. Ziva being Jewish by birth would have been raised with them, and would later have chosen to no longer partake in them (not practicing her religion, as often seen in the show.). However in times of need, there's familiarity and comfort in one's beliefs and religions, and I see this as a coping mechanism for her after Somalia.

PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS UNLESS YOU HAVE AN OPEN MIND WITH REGARDS TO RELIGION AND RELIGIOUS PRACTICES. THERE ARE SEVERAL REFERENCES MADE TO THE JEWISH RELIGION, BELIEFS AND PRACTICES AS WELL AS THE RITUALS. I AM AWARE THAT THERE ARE SEVERAL DIFFERENT FORMS OF JEWISH RELIGIOUS PRACTICE. THIS WAS KEPT AS CLOSE AS POSSIBLE TO THE RELIGION PRACTICED IN ISRAEL (ORTHODOX AND REFORMED). IT IS ALSO IMPORTANT TO NOTE THAT ONLY TWO JEWISH PEOPLE CAN MARRY IN ISRAEL. THERE IS NO CIVIL CEREMONY FOR NON-JEWISH COUPLES, ONLY THE RELIGIOUS ONE.

Story word count: 1 475

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I rarely think back to the time in Somalia. This being one of the few times I allow it, as it links up with Tony and what he has come to mean to me…

I remember the first time I came here after returning. I had not been in the habit of acknowledging niddah or attending the mikvah. It was a practice of my religion that I had not participated in since having joined the Mossad. However, after the events in Somalia I felt the need to. I enquired with the rabbi as to the location of the nearest mikvah and have for the last few months participated in the ritual.

But for the last two I've come here with a heavy heart. There is a great significance in the acknowledgement of niddah and in the participation of the ritual at the mikvah. It's meaning is in no way lost to me, and as time passes I come to realize that it disturbs me more. I also realize the reason why I originally stopped the acknowledgement of niddah and attending the mikvah. Most of the other woman here, will tonight return to their husbands and lovers and initiate lovemaking, after having completed the nearly fourteen days of celibacy. I did not have that. Whilst a Mossad officer I was ritually impure, I did not live up to the expectations of my religion. The practice of the ritual now brought to mind how different things would have been, had I not enrolled with the Mossad after having completed my military service.

As a member of Mossad I was possibly more respected for my contribution towards the Jewish way of life than most other citizens. Few understand the true purpose of the Mossad. They think we are a terrorist operation, when the Mossad is tasked with the worldwide protection of Jewish communities. It is our main purpose other than the collection of information and the protection of Israel and its people. I have acted as both collections officer and extraction officer.

"Shalom" I great the attendant as I prepare for the mikvah. I remember the first time I came here, her shock at my injuries. I know that it was her who had approached the rabbi, whom on my next visit had questioned me regarding them. In the Jewish belief, an abusive husband or one that displays abusive behaviour is enough grounds for a condemnation. I had explained to the rabbi about my involvement with the Mossad and the reason for the injuries.

Due to my involvement with the Mossad I was respected, and my privacy protected. The rabbi having known what the Mossad entails discussed my reasons for returning to the practices of my faith. I explained about the situation and Africa, and in that way had started to heal the deeper wounds.

The water in the mikvah is cold, as it does not get heated. I lie back fully submerging my body before surfacing.

"_Baruch atah Ha-Shem, Elokainu Melech Ha'Olam, asher kidshanu b'mitzvotav v'tzivanu al ha-tevila." _I recite the blessing, before submerging again. I exit the mikvah and dress in a different set of clothes.

"Shalom Ziva." The rabbi was waiting for me.

"Shalom Rabbi."

"You have been undertaking the ritual for the past few months. I was wondering if is not time that I introduce you to a shadchan_. _I know you wish not to have your father involved, but it is not good for you to remain unmarried."

"I have not thought of marriage. I do not think I would find a suitable match."

"Which is why I should introduce you to a shadchan. It is their purpose to find you a match, unless there is someone whom already has your heart."

"I do not see how a shadchan could help me."

"She could negotiate yourshidukhin for you."

"It would not help."

"You cannot go through life alone, God intended for man and woman to be together."

"He is not of the Jewish religion, which is why it could never work."

"But you're practicing your religion now."

"I am born Jewish, and any children I birth would be Jewish by birthright."

"He could conform."

"I would not ask that of him, even if he were to approach me."

"The death of your betrothed did not leave you Agunot."

"I am aware of that."

"You should be married."

"I have no wish to be married."

"Consider it Ziva. When you are ready, I will assist you with finding a suitable shadchan. One that has protected their fellow man like you have deserves to be happy. "

"Thank you, but I do not think it would be necessary."

I have no wish to be married for in my heart I already am. It is at times like these that it pains me to think of Tony. Who has over the years has fulfilled almost all of the responsibilities expected of a Jewish husband, unknown to him.

We have discussed daily matters, shared moments and intimacies not allowed between a man and a woman that are unrelated or unmarried. I have applied techniques to him that only a wife may apply to her husband. And throughout all this he has abstained. He has protected my name, protected my person and has shared full skin to skin contact. We have shared sleeping space, even when I was niddah. He has also never touched me in a lustful way in public. I once even believed us to be soul mates. I was concerned for his health until I found out about Jeanne, then I was hurt. It is permissible within the Jewish religion for a man to have two wives, adultery only applies to men when it is with another mans' wife. It hurt that he sough her out and then fell in love with her. Even after I was informed of the original intent.

Michael my supposed betrothed should have been marked as a user. Tony had approached him and I was furious. I felt like a woman who had been caught committing adultery. Michael was my fathers' choice. I had not liked the sneaking around and being distant towards Tony. He knew something was up and could be like a dog chewing on a bone at times.

With Michael he had risked his job and his career to protect me, something no one else would have done… I did not realize the significance of his actions until later. I was merely angry with him for is involvement in the death of Michael, for his inability to act on what was between us, and his prevention of me possibly finding a husband. I was well aware that I was beyond what was considered a suitable age to marry, which is what had allowed for me to let Michael close to me. We did not conform to the religious practice, and did not honour the laws of Negiah and Yichud. Not that I followed these with Tony either… Many of our interactions were not as the result of someone's interference or orders, unlike my time with Michael. I allowed myself to grow closer to Tony, closer than I had grown to any other man.

I knew when I was captured in Somalia that no one would come for me. In accordance to my religion it is the duty of the husband to protect his wife. And should she be captured; it is up to him to negotiate her release. I was ready to die because he'd once again stepped up and fulfilled the role of a husband, but he did not want me. At that stage death would have been kinder… His words pained me, for even though his actions backed them he did not want to fulfil the obligation of onah. It was the only duty of a husband he has not fulfilled. It is one I would have thought he'd be happy to comply with, but he had no such need for me. I had on more than one occasion expressed my willingness, but he'd never taken up the offer. It's still one I would gladly allow him to fulfil, especially now.

In the Jewish religion there are allowances for married persons to live in separate houses, living separate lives. This is often how I felt things were between Tony and I. I had allowed him into my space as he would allow me into his. We rarely shared moments and thoughts after my return, both of us had changed and it was difficult to find that balance one again. I once again found myself wanting his contact his acknowledgement, but he seemed more distant than ever. It frustrated and angered me; we are both hurting but unable to comfort each other. I need him when things seem to get too much for me, but he's constantly backing off.

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Terminology

Niddah – The practices and laws regarding menstruation, and procreation. (The Jewish religion does not really allow for the use of contraceptives.)

Mikvah – A bath of naturally gathered water used for spiritual cleansing.

Shadchan – A matchmaker.

Shidukhin – An engagement arrangement or contract.

Agunot – a woman who's husband or betrothed has died or left, and is not permitted to remarry.

Negiah – The laws restricting physical contact between men and women.

Yichud – The laws forbidding the seclusion of a man and woman (unmarried to each other) in a private setting.

Onah – The obligation of a husband to have sex with his wife.

Sub note.

All citizens of Israel have a compulsory two years to serve in the Israeli army, after having finished schooling. Usually aged 18-20, regardless of whether you are male or female.


End file.
